Saturday, April 27, 2013

Addiction

ad•dic•tion 
/əˈdikSHən/
Noun
The fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing, or activity

Substance

You turn off the lights but the last thing you want to do is sleep. You turn off the lights but the sun is rising and it's filling your room with illuminating streaks. The birds begin to chirp. The neighbors begin to wake. Your heart is racing and your blood is pumping.  You try to relax. You put in the same movie that you have watched over and over and over again. You hope that the half gallon of booze you drank is enough to bring you down. But all your body wants is one more line. And all your hearts wants is for it all to stop.  And your brain, all your brain can think the whole time is: "Oh my God...I've done it again!"

You toss...turn. You're tense. It's 6 am and you are wondering how you are ever going to make it to work later that day.  You swear if you just go to sleep: "I'll never do it again".  All the while concocting a plan on how to get some more to get you through the next day because:

All your body wants is one more line...

One more line to make it stop...

She never mentions the word addiction
In certain company
~ The Black Crowes

I have had many addictions and I debated about whether or not I wanted to share them here, explore them here...there might be people in my real life that read this and have no idea how deep my addictions ran...

After all, I was supposed to be the "good one".

I also run the risk of harsh judgment...but hey I am a "Who gives a f'ck!" kinda gal!...and I am pretty sure no one will judge me any harder than I do myself.

So do I open up and explore my addicted past...

I think I just did! Yes, I was addicted.  

I spent many nights as described above.

I remember when Sober came out by Pink...I posted that video on my Facebook page.  One of my good friends (who is much younger than me) said: "Yeah, I watched the video. I just don't get it." and I said to him: "That's because you've never been addicted"

Yes, I was addicted.  

"Looking for myself SOBER" ~ Pink

And battled. And I won...and it is in the past now.

So I shouldn't beat myself up right?

The past is the past right?

We should embrace it. It makes us who we are today...Right?

Yeah...it does make us who we are today...

But what if in the process of making you who you are today, it destroys who you wanted to be!

Thing

My relationship with Sio was an addiction.

When I was with Sio I knew that we weren't meant to last. He was too young. Too unsettled. I was looking to settle down. A mixture for failure.

Sio and I should have been nothing more than a fling and I should have moved on.  But I couldn't.

I had been single for a while so when Sio came around, flirting and showing interest it was like I had to have it.

I couldn't let go of that thing...that thing that made me feel loved...

I remember at the time talking to one of my "shore house" girlfriends and she asked me: "What are you doing?"

 I said to her: "He loves me. I'm just not ready to give him up yet. Just a little while longer." 

Addicted...

And when Sio would go and act like the 20-something he was I would get mad. We'd have a big fight and I would leave him.

Only to have him beg me not to go. He would tell me how much he loved me and I would cave and take him back every time all the while knowing....knowing it should end...knowing I had to give up that thing...

This went on for years...I was addicted to it...

I was addicted...addicted to that vicious cycle of "I hate you!" "I love you".

And like any addiction in the end it always does more harm than good.

But I needed that "thing" so desperately.  Taking him back was the only thing that would make it stop. Make the heartache stop...

Activity

Addiction is consuming me again.  

And the object of my addiction is the only thing I can think about now.

The funny thing about addiction is that it is always with you and I am not going to lie...lately...there are days when I want to go out buy a pack of smokes and a bottle of whiskey and call it a night...drown myself in alcohol and nicotine...

But I am addicted to something else...

Something much bigger...

Something greater...

TTC

TTC is the most consuming and self destroying addiction I have ever had...the lengths that I am going to are beyond and I can't stop...

Like any good addict I keep trying to find a way for "just one more".

"And if I let myself go I'm the only one to blame" ~ Pink

Yes, I am cycling again...

Because this time, this one more time is the time that's going to make it stop. Right?

This time it has to work and then the pain will stop...Right?

Just one more...at any cost...just one more...no matter what the price...just one more...

But eventually...I will have to come down because like any addiction in the end it always does more harm than good.

ad•dic•tion 
/əˈdikSHən/
Verb
Trying to make it stop!

And all the while it is making you who you will be...but what if it's not who you want to become...

"When it's good then it's good, it's so good till it goes bad
Till you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry, "Never again"
Broken down in agony, just tryin' find a friend" ~ Pink


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Friday, April 12, 2013

Has God run out of miracles?


First, I want to thank everyone who donated to my cousin's son! I am always humbled by the generosity of others. You are all truly inspiring.  And of course we are always open to more generosity...

Click here to Donate

Second, I will be swearing a lot in this post.  Sorry but when I'm upset my Jersey girl comes out and sometimes the only thing left to say is fuck!

I am almost at the 4 year mark. This summer it will be 4 years since I first walked into an REs office.

I was naive, clueless...I thought I would get pregnant on the first try!

I didn't know people didn't get pregnant on the first try.

I thought the only thing I was missing was the man... (Silly little girl...I actually mourned the man before moving forward!)

4 years later...

4 long years that have flown by.

4 years of heartbreak and sorrow.

4 years of dreams being shattered.

4 years of doctors, needles, drugs, poking, prodding and test after test after test.

4 years of hopes crushed, miscarriages, negative HPTs.

4 years of soul crushing loss and identity stealing suffering.

4 years!

4 years!!

4 YEARS!!!!

4 FUCKING YEARS!!!

4 MOTHER FUCKING YEARS!!!!

In my delusion I thought my miracle was just around the corner.

I thought if I just held on...

If I prayed...

If I begged for forgiveness...

If didn't lose faith....

If I kept trying...

Kept believing...

If I only...

Did acupuncture...

Wheatgrass...

Royal Jelly...

DHEA...

If I only...

Changed donors...

Changed clinics...

Did fresh...

Did frozen...

Tested for this...

Tested for that....

If I only... Adopted...

I have seen so many get their miracle.

So, so many....and it does fill me with hope and light...

Well at least for a little while...

Until another day passes...another week...another month...another year...

And I am back to...

If I only...do this that and the other thing....

So where's my miracle?

I am sick of being everyone's greatest fear come to life!

"I'm so afraid this cycle won't work."

"I'm so afraid I'll never get pregnant."

"I'm so afraid I end up with nothing."

"I'm so afraid I won't ever be a mom."

Well, "HEL-FUCKING-LO" have you met Michaela!?

Yup everything that everyone fears while facing IF...I am the god damn poster child!

And yes, is this post a little self pitying...you are damn fucking right it is.

For those of you thinking: "Count your blessing." Blah Blah and etcetera...I do every single fucking day.Thank you very much!

I love my life.  I love my friends and my family. I love my condo and my kitties.

I recently went back to school and I love it!

Every day I express my gratitude.

I am cheerful and happy....well maybe not cheerful...but I have a hell of a sense of humor...and I laugh a lot...

Most wouldn't last 5 minutes never mind 4 years.

So where the hell is my miracle!?

Every night I pray and every morning I say Thank you!

And I kept telling myself that fear is not being able to see my miracle right around the corner...

That I need a faith greater than fear right! Right?

And if I have a faith greater than my fears I can have peace knowing that my miracle will come...right?

But it's been 4 years...

4 torturous years...and now all I can think after watching so many get their miracles...all but me...is that God must have ran out.

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