Sunday, May 29, 2011
The last time we were discussing my journey, I had decided to change paths…again!
I decided to follow the “yellow brick road” and follow my dreams of motherhood from conception to birth and onward…
I pray that someday I will be able to adopt too. I hold that dear to my heart but for now I’ve decided to head off to see the wizard and find a treatment for me…
Dr. Wow and Dr. Period
MY Dr. Wow… the RE who I felt would be the one to get me pregnant…the RE who renewed my hope after Dr. Doom and my miscarriage…well Dr. Wow turned into Dr. Douche. And it wasn’t because he told me I wasn’t pregnant. He told me that before. It was something he said just before we hung up. He quickly blamed the failed cycles on my age and my eggs (I expected that). He made some comment about this being my last try (since I paid for 3 cycles) and then said that I could do donor eggs. And none of that really bothered me. I was a little bothered that it felt like he was kicking me to the curb…like “Oh you bought three cycles and…Strike one…Strike two…Strike three…YOU’RE OUT!!” And I knew the donor egg speech was coming. It was what he said after he recommended donor eggs that really pissed me off…and I’m going to paraphrase here but he said something like “But donor eggs are expensive and since you’re single you might not want to spend the money. Let me know and I’ll be glad to discuss it with you” and click he hung up. And I immediately thought “Really douche bag! You’re going to tell me how to spend my money…Mr. Drives an Audi TT!” “My ass helped pay for your damn Audi and if I want to make another RE rich I will!! But I know one thing for sure…I will NOT be lining your coiffeurs anymore!!” And POOF just like that my prince turned into a toad…or more like a tool!!
So now I had to find a clinic that didn’t charge more than my future child’s college tuition to get me pregnant.
And that’s when I came across Dr. Period.
You see one of my other options is donor embryos. There aren’t many clinics that offer this but I found one that did. BUT (and there is always a “but”. I really think BUT and BUTT should be spelled the same!! b/c in actuality they mean the same...you're ass out of something!) BUT you have to be a patient of this clinic in order to be put on their donor embryo list.
So I made an appointment. And after sitting in the waiting room for almost 2 hours and threatening to walk out I finally sat down with Dr. Period.
You see, I was mad…okay I was f&%king pissed and in total bitch mode by now and I walked in a told him that he has wasted enough of my time and I will not waste anymore of his BUT (and once again it should be BUTT) he sucked me in. He started talking quickly about all the things that he thought went wrong with my cycles…things I thought too but had no basis for my opinion until now.
And at the end of every sentence he would say “Period” like he was dictating (which it turns out he was) BUT (with two “T’s”) I didn’t realize it at first and it was really weird.
“I think your last clinic over medicated you Period”
“If I was going to treat you I would do minimal or no meds Period”
“I think I can get you pregnant with an IUI Period”
And Dr. Period said the magic words…”get you pregnant”.
He was talking with an IUI. He was talking my own eggs.
And it was almost like that magic phrase: “There’s no place like home.”
I kept repeating it over and over.
And I felt like Dorothy…all full of hope…knowing that the wizard was going to bring me home…
BUTT could he….
Saturday, May 14, 2011
This Mother’s Day, like so many Mother’s Days of yore, was full of good food, fine wine, lots of laughs, too much talk, embarrassment and hidden tears.
My oldest sister, Sissy M, held Mother’s Day brunch this year.
Brunch was starting at 11:30 and I arrived a little before noon.
As always everything was set up beautifully. Sissy M really has a gift for this stuff. Her home should be showcased in Better Homes and Garden.
Out of the 3 girls; me, Sissy M and Sissy L - Sissy M got all of the domestic genes, Sissy L got some and I got none.
Sissy L is very mechanical. She helped me put together my entertainment center when all I could manage to do was pull all the parts out of the box and have them remain scattered on my living room floor until Sissy L came to the rescue.
But Sissy M…Sissy M is truly domestically talented. She is gifted. She could make a decorative something or other out of a toilet paper roll and it would be beautiful!
Me on the other hand, I got neither gene! I’m not mechanical and I am not domestic. My sisters used to make fun me. I would tell them that I am an intricate part of society; without people like me willing to pay to have things done instead of doing it myself, people would be out of a job. I’d rather pay someone to paint then paint myself…I am what keeps society afloat.
Both Sissy M and Sissy L would laugh and tell me that things will change once I have kids. That I will be doing everything myself in order to save money not spend money. I often wonder if my lack of domestic tendencies it what has, in some way, brought me to where I am today! It is either that or the fact that both of my sisters had their children so young that I vowed never to be 19 and pregnant. Its funny how things can backfire on you isn’t it?
Either way I was spending another childless Mother’s Day and thinking to myself: “If I didn’t miscarry, today would be my 1st Mother’s Day”
As I was checking out the spread and sampling some of the goodies on the beautifully decorated buffet table, I noticed champagne glasses and I say “Hey! I already missed the champagne toast?” and that was when my mom sauntered over with this little smirk on her face and said:
“YUP!! I’ve already had one glass of champagne and 2 (and you can stretch out the word two) glasses of wine.” And then she put on a giant smile like the Cheshire Cat!!
Oh my god, my mom’s drunk! Well at least buzzed and on her way to drunk.
Now one thing I do have to mention, in my whole life I might have seen my mother drunk 3 times and that’s counting this Mother’s Day!
So it was quite amusing that she was “getting her drink on”!
Yes, quite amusing until she decided to start asking about my next cycle (which I might add she likes to call a Series; It’s a cycle Mom!) while we were all eating brunch.
Quite amusing until she started saying words like: “Insemination” and “Uterus” louder than any other words.
Quite amusing until my brother in-law had to say: “Icksnay on the uterusay!!” and whispered to me through his laughter: “I am mortified for you!”
My response: “Thanks!” Just “Thanks!” - To be quite honest, none of this probably wouldn’t have bothered me at all if it wasn’t for the added guests. I come from a family full of women. We discuss impropriate things while eating all the time.
And it became even more amusing when after I told her that I didn’t really want to tell anyone about my plans because I was so tired of all the questions, and that even well meaning question are just too hurtful sometimes, she went on to ask me a ton of questions (some well meaning but hurtful).
And then after the embarrassment and 20 questions, she declared she needed to lie down!!
And as embarrassing as all it was. And as hurtful as some of those well meaning questions can be I do know that it is all because she loves me and wants what’s best for me. My mom is truly awesome even when she’s sleeping on the couch during Mother’s Day brunch.
And the day, well, it was all very funny and I am laughing about it. One of the funniest Mother’s Day moments to date!
But I did end up crying all the way home.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Is perception reality? And if we change our perception do we then change that reality?
At the very least I know that if we change our perception of a situation then we do indeed change our reality. We might not change other people’s reality but we will change ours and that is what I had to do. I had to change my perception on donor eggs.
I looked at donor eggs as a selfish endeavor. I thought that if I was going to use donor eggs and donor sperm that it would be a selfish act solely so that I could experience pregnancy, so that I could carry a child, so I could experience childbirth and so I could love and raise a child from birth.
I perceived them as selfish motives…in my mind…all selfish desires.
If I was going to use donor eggs and donor sperm than I should adopt. It was somehow my obligation.
But why would my desires to be pregnant, carry a child, give birth to a child and raise them from birth be anymore selfish than someone who wasn’t struggle with infertility? Any more selfish than any woman who has a bared child?
For myself, I perceived it as selfish. For anyone else I didn’t.
Pictures of me…
Remind us all of what could have been:
“I thought I had to have life growing inside of me to be a mother. Little did I know that the life growing in Africa could turn out to grow inside of me larger than I could imagine.”
That was a statement I wrote as I started to prepare for my homestudy. And that is the person I wanted to be. I wanted to be bigger than myself and my own selfish needs. I wanted to reach out and make a difference in this world. I wanted to be the type of woman novels are written about and think about it; couldn’t you just hear Oprah reading the lines above in awe…
And I still do want to be that woman. I know my heart is big enough and I was ashamed that I couldn’t let go of the desire to be pregnant.
But my desire to be pregnant is so strong. I want to carry a child. It’s something that I can’t let go of not even for Africa.
Then one day I was discussing this with one of my dear friends from college, who has 2 children of her own, she said to me, plain and simple:
“Why would you ever deny yourself that?”
And with that simple statement my perception started to shift.
I still want to adopt someday.
But adoption should only be done for the love of that child not because one perceives that they should…
Adoption to me is noble. It is stepping outside of you, reaching out to embrace a child.
It is noble.
But so is the woman who donates her eggs. She is noble. She is giving the most amazing gift.
I know there are many who might say “But there is financial compensation” and yes, that is true but what I am finding is that is secondary to most donors.
Two friends of mine have also offered to be my donor and that moves me beyond belief. That they would be willing to do such a wonderful, selfless act inspires me.
Everything happens for a reason even if the reason does suck but what I think I need to be focusing on now is the purpose behind the reason and maybe that purpose is of a higher nature.
Maybe the purpose is to allow someone to be noble for me.
I will adopt someday and become that person I perceive myself to be but for now I think my purpose is to accept this truly miraculous gift.