Wednesday, April 20, 2011
The verdict was in. The call came through and Dr. Wow said those horrible words... “You are not pregnant” and I knew it. I knew I wasn’t. In my heart I knew. Before I even picked up the phone…I knew.
I was not pregnant and my last IVF cycle failed. Yes, indeed Whiffer did return. I might have struck out but I had a plan. I was going to announce my Alternate Path and not look back.
The plan was clear. My Alternate Path was set. I was going to adopt from the DR Congo. And for those who were wondering, I called it my Alternate Path because I didn’t like Plan B or C or D. To me that felt like 2nd best and my Alternate Path was not 2nd best it was just a 2nd choice.
But something wasn’t right. I was crying all the time. I mean all the time. There was a pain residing in my heart that I knew all too well. But I couldn’t figure out why. I had a plan!
It was the anniversary of my miscarriage. I knew I had to grieve in order to move forward.
I spoke with a therapist.
I chronicled my miscarriage from the time I found out I was pregnant to the day I miscarried. I was trying everything to release and move forward.
I needed to be strong and all I was feeling is weak.
I wrote a letter to my child.
I cancelled my homestudy.
You see, I could picture myself going to the DR Congo.
I could see the amazement and the heartbreak of that country.
I could almost see my child’s face brightly shining through the devastation as I brought her home.
I could see all this and I pictured this so perfectly…
But I could also see myself pregnant. And I could also picture that so perfectly.
And I couldn’t stop visualizing me with a beautiful big belly. Seeing that 1st ultrasound. Seeing that 2nd and 3rd ultrasound. Seeing and hearing my baby’s heartbeat.
I could almost feel the life growing inside of me and I could picture the moment of birth.
The moment when my eyes meet my child's eyes. The child that I had carried.
I could see it all and I couldn’t let it go.
And that is what I was mourning. And as hard as I tried. As much as I struggled to move past it…I couldn’t let go my dream of carrying a child.
And I knew something had to change….
Saturday, April 16, 2011
After my 2nd IVF cycle failed, the cycle where all the signs pointed to success, the cycle I knew I was going to pregnant on, the cycle that I am still in shock didn’t work…after that cycle…I made a decision to have a solid Alternate Path in place so that I could be prepared if IVF cycle 3 went up in flames too.
I had decided my Alternate Path would be adoption. Adoption is something I hold dear to my heart and something I have always prayed that I would someday be blessed to do. I always imagined myself having both biological and adopted children in one big beautifully meshed family. I smile as I type this because it is still a dream of mine.
So, I started researching adoption. I surfed the web, bought books, started reading adoption blogs, called agencies and on and on…I know adoption is a long, hard road so I wanted to be able to hit the ground running.
What I didn’t know (or realize) is all the restrictions on adopting. Not every country allows single women to adopt. Many have age restrictions and so on…but I knew I would find the perfect country for me to adopt from and I did…or should I say that country found me…
I know this is going to sound weird or corny but this is what happened.
One random Saturday I had just come inside after a run and I clicked on the TV. I am not a “big” TV watcher and in all honesty I can’t remember the last time I watched TV on a Saturday! Especially in the afternoon? So for whatever reason, I grabbed the clicker and clicked on.
I don’t know the name of the show that was on but it featured several Soap Opera stars on a mission to Africa. In the story they showed them on a safari and traveling to poverty stricken areas. I was mesmerized. The scenes were beautiful and haunting. I had to keep watching to see where they would go next. Where they went next is burned into my mind and resides in my heart. They went to a place called ABC which is The Abandoned Baby Center in Kenya.
You can read more about the amazing work The Abandoned Baby Center does here.
My research did not lead me to Kenya but led me to DR Congo in Africa and I fell in love. My research also led me to this blog and I found a huge source of information, honesty and advice.
Mind you, I was doing all of this on the heels of a devastating loss and trying to prepare myself for my next (and last) IVF cycle.
I was on a mission. A mission to push away the pain. A mission of protection. A mission to ensure I wouldn’t feel this way again. A mission to become a mom. A mission to be okay. A mission to find a purpose for all that I have been going through and I was certain that Africa was reason. Africa was my purpose.
I picked an agency for the adoption and a local agency for my homestudy. My Alternate Path was set! I reluctantly told my family of my path and as soon as I heard the words BFN, I was off. I wasn’t going to look back.
Until I heard those words…until it was a final and definite BFN…and then all of the sudden I couldn’t see the road in front of me…I couldn’t put one foot in front of the other…I couldn’t follow the yellow brick road…I was stuck…
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Back to the Future...
It is time for me to allow the past to reside in its appropriate era. It's time to embrace the present and begin taking steps towards my future. It's time to get back to the future by getting back to my plans for the future. Getting back to my journey to motherhood.
So much has happened leading up to my last cycle and so much has changed in the aftermath of its failure. I have changed.
I know that change is what keeps your life moving forward but to be perfectly honest; I hate change. Change is what has to occur when things don’t work out the way you planned or when life throws you a curve ball. Yeah, I think change sucks. But change is inevitable.
Change happens without warning. One moment you are on a path. Your path. The path you chose and it leads you to a dead end. And then something has to change.
So you find a new path; an Alternative Path and then for some reason you find yourself stuck; unable to walk down that path and once again you have to change.
Change paths. Change direction. Or make a U-turn and get back on the same path you were on.
In order for me to get back to the future, I need to get back on track. I need to get back on my path.
We now return to our regularly scheduled program...
I also need to get everyone up to speed on what has been going on amidst all this change. So I will spend the next couple of posts navigating through all this change…
All this change which has made me stop going down one path and considering other paths. All this change which has me trying to find footing. All this changed which started with non-stop crying and a heartbreaking decision to postpone my Alternate Path, advanced forward with an opening of my mind and heart to the idea of a donor plan and concluded with an appointment with Dr. Period...